May 2011
16 posts
Gay marriage is a sin,
Tantamount to marring your kin.
I don’t care what you do in the bedroom,
or even in men’s public restrooms.
But don’t shove it in my face,
I find it an affront to the human race.
Sure, I might be on my third wife.
Only a matter of time before I ruin her life.
And I won’t pay child support,
They’ll have to drag me kicking and screaming to court.
Oh, and I’m...
April showers bring God’s judgement.
When I was 15 I had to give a presentation about the Algonquin Indians. I hated talking in front of the class and I was paralyzed with anxiety. Then I remembered that the key to overcoming a fear of public speaking, according to television, is to imagine the audience naked. When it was my turn to speak I stood in front of my class, took a deep breath, imagined them all naked, and began my speech....
If we prized ability more than ambition maybe there wouldn’t be so many reality TV shows.
I want to write and direct a pornographic noir film. I’m thinking of calling it Dicks With Chicks.
Dear Me at 12,
Contact lenses aren’t going to improve your luck with the ladies as much as you’d like. Maybe if you rethink the bowl cut.
Sincerely,
You
P.S. In about a year while you’re sitting in social studies you sneeze and fart at the same time. Everyone laughs at you for like ten minutes, including that miserable old bag who teaches the class. Just remember, eventually it’s going to...
The ladies are always so impressed by my performance in the bedroom I’m going to start calling my penis “the clap.”
I think I’ve figured out a biblically-based compromise to the abortion issue. We restrict abortions to the first unborn male
As a child my grandmother used to tell me that masturbating would make my eyes go bad. As a teenager, I ate a lot of carrots.
My father used to get drunk and call me a pussy. And I remember thinking, Jesus, I don’t even know what that means and he’s stepping all over my Ninja Turtles.
I used to think I had Restless Leg Syndrome. Turns out it was just a crippling anxiety about my own mortality.
Triumph of the Will is hilarious, if you keep in mind the horrifying, horrifying consequences.
Hiding In The Sprawl
I think people are a little too hard on the suburbs. While the city wears its problems on its streets—the pain and the tragedy there for all to see and feel guilty about ignoring—the suburbs have the courtesy to shroud its problems behind an idyllic veneer. Consider suburban Jim, who despite being laid off from a job he worked for 20 years, pulling his daughter out of college because...
I’m going to start calling that feeling of wanting what I can’t have a yearning disability.
Rich Men Think Alike
Two wealthy men sat in a park and did chat about their exploits in earnings and profit. They were dressed to the nines, tailored suits, mighty fine, and cufflinks of diamond and platinum.
“Ho ho,” said the first, riddled with mirth, at his skills at investment and business. “I’ve got to admit, and this is legit, I make money with surprising quickness.”
“How you talk!” said his peer, a smile...
The true measure of genius is the ability to convince people that you’re a genius.
April 2011
2 posts
Let's Use What We've Got
I’ve become ever closer to instituting a news-fast. It’s just all so goddamn depressing. What may have finally put me over the edge is the whole birther movement. I mean, I don’t particularly mind fringe-people conspiracy-theorizing, they’re always going to do that, and maybe I would too if my life was so full of misery and hopelessness that I needed to take whatever half-baked stand happened to...
Certain Things
The old cliche goes, “the only things certain in this life are death and taxes.” And it’s half right. The only things certain in this life are death and suffering. And suffering is always relative. One person’s worst nightmare is another’s day to day. If people could try and remember during their interactions with others— no matter how fraught with tensions and misunderstandings they may be...