Charlie Trask

Gay marriage is a sin,
Tantamount to marring your kin.
I don’t care what you do in the bedroom,
or even in men’s public restrooms.
But don’t shove it in my face,
I find it an affront to the human race.

Sure, I might be on my third wife.
Only a matter of time before I ruin her life.
And I won’t pay child support,
They’ll have to drag me kicking and screaming to court.
Oh, and I’m sleeping with the maid,
She’s does the laundry, then I get laid.
But I’m clean in the eyes of the Lord most High,
Cause I’d never sleep with another guy.

April showers bring God’s judgement.

When I was 15 I had to give a presentation about the Algonquin Indians. I hated talking in front of the class and I was paralyzed with anxiety. Then I remembered that the key to overcoming a fear of public speaking, according to television, is to imagine the audience naked. When it was my turn to speak I stood in front of my class, took a deep breath, imagined them all naked, and began my speech. It worked like a charm until I focused on Caitlyn Kelly. Fifteen years later people still call me Stands-With-Boner.

If we prized ability more than ambition maybe there wouldn’t be so many reality TV shows.

I want to write and direct a pornographic noir film. I’m thinking of calling it Dicks With Chicks.

Dear Me at 12,
Contact lenses aren’t going to improve your luck with the ladies as much as you’d like. Maybe if you rethink the bowl cut.

Sincerely,
You

P.S. In about a year while you’re sitting in social studies you sneeze and fart at the same time. Everyone laughs at you for like ten minutes, including that miserable old bag who teaches the class. Just remember, eventually it’s going to be pretty low on your list of horrible embarrassing moments.

Dear Me at 14,
What did I tell you? Now that your mom caught you making love to the right sleeve of a windbreaker, that farting in the class thing doesn’t seem like such a big deal does it?

Sincerely,
You

P.S. This one stays near the top of your horrible embarrassing moments list.

The ladies are always so impressed by my performance in the bedroom I’m going to start calling my penis “the clap.”

I think I’ve figured out a biblically-based compromise to the abortion issue. We restrict abortions to the first unborn male

As a child my grandmother used to tell me that masturbating would make my eyes go bad. As a teenager, I ate a lot of carrots. 

My father used to get drunk and call me a pussy. And I remember thinking, Jesus, I don’t even know what that means and he’s stepping all over my Ninja Turtles.